Trigger Warning! This article contains serious mentions of unhealthy relationship behavior. If these are things that are triggering to you, please close this page and read a different article. For more information about identifying triggers, please consult our triggers and stressors article.
Healthy ≠ Perfect. Healthy relationships happen because of good communication and because you love yourself. Healthy relationships aren’t 100% healthy 100% of the time. But, the aspects of healthy relationships occur regularly.
Every person partakes in unhealthy relationship behavior sometimes, which can be improved by taking responsibility and changing your behaviors. But if these patterns happen often, recognize the signs of relationship abuse and get help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Please visit OneLove’s site for more information.
Comfortable Pace v Intensity
- Healthy: A healthy relationship should be a comfortable pace for all parties involved. Nobody should feel rushed or pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with.
- Unhealthy: An unhealthy relationship can exhibit intense emotions and behavior that you’re not comfortable with. If you feel like the relationship is moving way too fast for you, this is a sign of intensity.
Trust v. Possessiveness
- We’ve all seen those rom-coms where one person puts their S.O. through a test to prove their loyalty and when that S.O. finds out, they break up and then later they get back together. Or that book where a best friend tests their BFF’s loyalty and it doesn’t go down the way they planned but everything’s fine in the end. But in reality, a relationship shouldn’t include a test or scheme to test your loyalty. In a healthy relationship, trust is mutual and easy.
- All of those tests to prove your loyalty? That’s an example of possessiveness or when someone gets jealous of others spending time with you and reacts violently towards you, or otherwise tries to control you. While this is excused as being overprotective or loving someone, it’s actually a sign of an unhealthy relationship is never okay.
Honesty v. Manipulation
- As the old saying goes, honesty is the best policy. In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable with being honest and shouldn’t fear their reaction. You should not feel like you have to hide things.
- Manipulation can often exhibit in someone trying to control emotions, actions, and decisions. If someone is trying to convince or coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do or influence your actions or emotions, that is manipulation.
Independence v. Isolation
- Independence means feeling free to do things on your own, maintaining relationships and hobbies without your partner, and having space outside the relationship. You should be able to hang out with your friends and go to activities you enjoy without your partner and vice versa.
- Isolation means that the other person is controlling your ability to hang out with others. Isolation often starts with the person asking to be alone with you more often and can lead to a partner asking you to choose between them or your friends, and telling you not to see certain people. This can make you question your judgment of the people you hang out with.
Respect v. Sabotage
- In a healthy relationship, respect for each other, pursuits, boundaries, beliefs, and opinions are given to all in the relationship. Partners also support and appreciate each other.
- In unhealthy relationships, sabotage takes the place of respect. A partner sharing private information without your permission, such as outing you or starting rumors about you are examples of sabotage. Any act that intentionally ruins achievements, success, or reputation is sabotage.
Equality v. Belittling
- Both people’s opinions and preferences are equally important and one person doesn’t dominate the other in the relationship. In a healthy relationship, you feel that your needs are just as important as your partners’ and while one person might put more in for a bit of time, the outcome ends in equality.
- In belittling, the other person put you down and makes you feel bad about yourself, your decisions, or the people you hang out with you.
Kindness v. Guilting
- In a healthy relationship, both partners are kind to each other and respect each other. Both partners do things that will make you happy and both partners are compassionate towards each other and each other’s interests.
- Guilting happens when someone tries to place the responsibility for their happiness, actions, and well-being on others in the relationship. This can show up in someone coercing you into doing something you don’t want to do with the threat of them hurting others or themselves.
Taking v. Deflecting Responsibility
- In a healthy relationship, all parties can accept the mistakes they’ve made without placing blame on the others in the relationship. This includes apologizing well, even if the intention was not to cause harm.
- Deflecting responsibility happens when someone puts the blame of current actions on their past or other issues, such as a difficult childhood, mental health issues, or difficulty accepting their identity.
Healthy Conflict v. Volatility
- Healthy conflict includes hearing out all sides respectfully and coming to an agreement where all parties feel seen.
- Volatility happens when someone has scary, strong, unpredictable reactions to things. While you may have heard someone say on T.V. that they’re on an emotional rollercoaster in their relationship, in IRL this isn’t okay or normal. It’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Fun v. Betrayal
- Relationships should be fun! You should like hanging out with them and your relationship should feel happy. While a 100% fun relationship isn’t realistic, the good times should outnumber the bad.
- Betrayal happens when someone is intentionally dishonest with the intention of hurting you, including actions like cheating, lying, exclusion, and acting two-faced.
Final Thoughts:
If you notice a pattern of these signs often in your relationship, it’s time to get help. Once again, The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and check out OneLove for more information.